day3? so how's things? before i continue, i'll say wat happen first. i just got back. went out with farhan, andy and hui ping. went west coast for prata. then to west coast park to chill at the playground. a huge playground. there's this very tall pyramid. tied with ropes and all. quite tall. bout a few stories high? yea. farhan and me climbed all the way up. while climbing, i felt fear. the higher i climb, the bigger the fear is. it's my first time climbing btw. but when i got to the top, i felt great. the view is magnificent. the wind gush thru me. it got me thinking. love. the feeling can be this great. the higher love climbs, the higher the excitement will be. and when we're at the top, we just sit and let the goodness of it to satisfy us. enjoy the peak of it.

i felt so happy. i had so much fun. so much laughter with farhan andy and hui ping. i don't feel my problems at all. the best companion is still my friend. yes. i finally understand wat li yi says. i can share my problems with my friends. it will make me feel better. and it did. shared with farhan. shared with roy. somehow, it did make me feel better. perhaps the sharing with farhan comes at a good time. cuz we're playing at the huge playground. i feel so much like a kid. a year 2 poly student playing at the playground? catching? swinging? racing? hahas. it really take the entire load off my mind.

i like the way i am with li yi now. i really do. no quarrels. we just know that we need and love each other. but on other hand, i felt guilty. i dont know wat is it that made erwina to fall for me. for her to in the end end up in misery. i'm suppose to bring her thru her troubled times with her ex. as a friend. as a result, things got out of hand. maybe she did forget about her ex. but a new misery have arrived at her doorstep. my heart is not with her. it's with li yi. but i can't bear to see her like this because of me? she's feeling the pain. the pain that i imposed on her. she smsed me one thing. she say she's trying to figure out wat am i thinking. i can feel that she is so hurt. i'm sorry.

she is a good girl. she knows how to treat her guy well. she rather be the one who'll get hurt than putting it on her guy. she rather keep it to herself so to prevent any bad happenings to it. she understands. all these is good. but my heart is not with her? i cannot bring myself to hurt li yi. she is precious. but i'm hurting erwina. can i dont hurt anyone oh god. i'm really troubled.

i'm happy with li yi now. but i dont know wat to do to also relieve li yi's insecurity. she keeps thinking that i will run away with erwina. i've tried everything i could. telling her wat erwina sms me. to gain her trust. i dont intend to hide anything from li yi. cuz if i do, and she finds out, she will think even worse? she will feel that i lie cuz i want to be with erwina? but at the same time when i tell her of wat erwina sms me, her fear gets deeper. she keeps thinking about it. i need the trust in this rs. i really need this rs. likewise she needed the trust in her friendship with shaun, i need it too. wat i dont like about shaun is he keep smsing her. asking her out. when she dont want, he keeps asking. saying that i dont let her go? asking her if she still loves me? why must they poke their nose in it? nvm that. all i ask of myself now. is hopefully, li yi clearly knows her feelings for this rs. if she still have feelings for me. not a i-dont-know answer. it hurts when she says she dont know if she still loves me to that question that shaun asked. i really dont know her feelings. wat matters most to me now is li yi's feelings. that is all that i wanna know now. the rest, we'll take it slowly. one step at a time.

i just hope erwina will stop crying. whatever she is doing or feeling right now, i hope she can take it to our friendship. this friendship is worth keeping at least for now.

and i really hope to see li yi smile again. i want us to be back to where we first started. i dont want any changes. this rs really mean alot to me. and when she's happy, then i'm happy. pls dont anyhow think. if something is bothering you, pls tell me. we can and we will work things out really. pls.

to the 2 girls, i just want your smile again.

ha. i'm stupid. no one reads this. it's my personal blog. but can god pls convey the msg to them?

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second day. how was it? nothing special. am confuse. dont know wat to do. the one i love, is not messaging me. the one who is beginning to love me, is keeping me company. i smiled. i joked as usual in class. but there's this pain in me. i can feel it. the pain. is killing me. the one i want to talk to is not here. the one i really wanna chat with happily is not doing it. i'm not someone for her to sms when she's bored, nothing doing anything, when she's having free time. i'm not someone for her to acompany her when ever she needs me. then when she don't, she totally forget me. how i miss the past. busy also she will sms. with much laughter. listen in class also will sms. so much to talk about. nonsense also can. now? i go listen class. i go do lab. that's all she will say? no sms from her. she use to in the morning when she leave her house, we'll sms and chat. now? she just sms me a short, morning, i'm out =). then i reply, she never. wat's wrong. she ask me wat's wrong. the wrong is this. all these that's making me feeling like this. that's why i dont have much to talk? that's why i dont feel like talking? cuz it's painful. no more nights talks on the phone. she don't find it a must. it's something that i want. something that i want. is she giving me that?

there's one who claims that she loves me but no actions from her. there's another who claims that she's falling for me with actions.

erwina. thx for keeping me accompany. i can't give promises. really. my heart is not with you. at least maybe not yet. if things really dont improve, i'll give us a chance. i like that happiness. i longed for it in my own rs. my rs where my real love is. but i dont want any other girl. i only want li yi. but wat i want, she can't give me? no phone calls. no smses. i have to let her go out with her friends. i have to let her chat happily with her friends. whatever i tell her of my feelings, it will spark a quarrel. which will lead to a break up. so wat can i do? keep quiet about it. and feel the pain myself. she is not understanding at all. not putting herself in my shoes. she wants to do whatever she wants to. if only. if only she can be understanding enough. spoke to roy about it. he finds it weird too. if she goes out with a guy alone. a guy who always smses her to go out. tho he claims he dont like her, but is it the truth? why must it that guys have to say out then the girl will know? dont she know that he can hide his feelings about her? dont she know that there's someone who adores her so much is worrying for her and this rs?

i really dont know. i really feel like crying. i'm feeling like i can't take all these anymore. i really do. i can't talk about it to her. i can't. it's the only way to keep her. but by doing this, i'm losing her away. is this really the end? is this?

31st jan 2007. 25 days short of our first anniversary. we quarrel. we broke up. all cuz of me. i didn't like her friends. yes. she wants to go out with them. and i'm suppose to allow. i'm suppose to trust her. i'm suppose to give her privacy.

i don't know wat i'm doing. i wanna end this. but i can't bare to. she said she dont know if she still loves me. then why still patch? wat right does the 2 shaun have in interfering our rs. this is the most critical time in our rs and i feel they should at least dont bother her and let her settle with me first. not brain wash her.

alright. patch. this time round, i'm not gonna put in alot. i swear. i dont want to cry so badly like today anymore. this patch will be a good one. i will slowly let my feelings settle. slowly let it die down. then at least, next time if this were to happen again, i won't feel so much pain. ha. no sexual stuffs. make sure it's love that make us carry on. is there love in the first place? she said she don't know if she still love me. then? ha. patch for wat? i really dont know. all along, i never because of sexual stuffs that i continue being with her. ha. but she actually feel this way. tell me how god? pls? ha.